Shaped by Trauma

“You can do the impossible because you have been through the unthinkable.”

Christina Rasmussen

Yes, I can do the impossible, but today I don’t want to.  I am tired. I am fighting this shelter in place thing.  I miss my son.  I miss my mom, my sister, my brother, my nieces and nephews. I miss Mark’s mom.   Nothing since Mark’s death has taken me out. I have moved, walked through my dad’s end of life, become an empty-nester, said goodbye to Reo, and am preparing to say goodbye to Mark’s mom.  But this. I am becoming aware that I need to take care of the frustration, the silent rage – the kind that can destroy one’s heart and cause one to lose hope.  

At the root of my anger is that same sense I had when pieces of Mark’s death investigation didn’t add up.  “I call bullsh*t.” (Yes, I said this.  More than once. I must have learned it from Erin B).  What is really going on behind the scenes?  Why are more doctors and scientists questioning what is being asked of us?

On this brutal and beautiful journey, today I come back to some sense of harmony by what I learned in the months and years following Mark’s death.

Truth. Truth has a way of rising to the surface. A word here, a document there. Clues, like breadcrumbs, along the path.

Surrendering. A big part of my spiritual journey has been learning to surrender to what I couldn’t control.  To what I can’t control.  I’m still learning that.  I’m learning to ask, as Suzanne Stabile says, “what’s mine to do?”  I’ve noticed that I’ve never been asked to be in charge of the world! 

Believing. I do believe in the Spirit of Love and Truth whom I know as God.  I hold on to the belief that Love wins. Truth wins. I’ve seen it over and over.  It’s what sustains me. 

How does this explain suffering? Mark’s traumatic death? Today’s uncertainty?  I’m not a scholar, but here’s what I know from the last 5 plus years. Suffering is a guarantee while I'm on planet earth. I have a choice to become bitter or better.  This Spirit of Love and Truth shapes me if I allow myself to be shaped.  To become more empathetic, to find my voice and speak truth, to ask questions, to seek justice, to be an advocate for another. I see this Spirit of Love and Truth in every encouraging word, every act of kindness, every, ‘how are you?’.  I see it in every act of courage, in the question-askers, in the seekers of truth.  I see it in each of you. Sparks of light in the darkness.

When I doubt, or slide into dark places, I come back to asking, “What if it’s true?”  That there is a Spirit of Love and Truth that hasn’t missed a detail.  This is what I relied on throughout Mark’s death investigation.  Immediate answers didn’t come, but eventually the truth surfaced.  Every detail came to light. In the meantime, I will hold on to, “this, too, shall pass” and wonder how the world and each of us will be shaped.   

How are you managing today? What is sustaining you?